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> > Dear Diary,
> >
> >
> >
> > For my 60th birthday this year, my daughter Rachel (the dear) purchased
> > a week of personal training at the local health club for me. Although I
> > am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader
> > 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it
> > a try.
> >
> >
> > I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named
> > Brenda, who identified herself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and
> > model for athletic clothing and swim wear. My daughter seemed pleased
> > with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a
> > diary to chart my progress.
> >

> > MONDAY :

> > Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was
> > well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Brenda waiting
> > for me. She is something of a Greek goddess - with blond hair, dancing
> > eyes and a dazzling white smile. Woo-Hoo!! Brenda gave me a tour and
> > showed me the machines. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which she
> > conducted her aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
> > Brenda was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already
> > aching from holding it in the whole time she was around. This is going
> > to be a FANTASTIC week-!!
> >
> >
> > TUESDAY :
> >
> >
> > I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door.
> > Brenda made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air -
> > then she put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the
> > treadmill, but I made the full mile. Brenda's rewarding smile made it
> > all worthwhile. I feel GREAT-!! It's a whole new life for me.
> >
> >
> > WEDNESDAY :
> >
> >
> > The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the
> > counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I
> > have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try
> > to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
> >
> >
> > Brenda was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other
> > club members. Her voice is a little too perky for early in the morning
> > and when she scolds, she gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
> > My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Brenda put me on the stair
> > 'monster'. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an
> > activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Brenda told me it would help me
> > get in shape and enjoy life. She said some other **** too.
> >
> >
> > THURSDAY :
> >
> >
> > Brenda was waiting for me with her vampire-like teeth exposed as her
> > thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being
> > a half an hour late - it took me that long to tie my shoes. Brenda took
> > me to work out with dumbbells. When she was not looking, I ran and hid
> > in the restroom. She sent another skinny *itch to find me. Then, as
> > punishment, she put me on the rowing machine - which I sank.
> >
> >
> > FRIDAY :
> >
> >
> > I hate that *itch Brenda more than any human being has ever hated any
> > other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic,
> > anorexic little cheerleader! If there was a part of my body I could move
> > without unbearable pain, I would beat her with it.
> >
> > Brenda wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if
> > you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the Damn barbells or
> > anything that weighs more than a sandwich. The treadmill flung me off
> > and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have
> > been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
> >
> >
> > SATURDAY :
> >
> >
> > Brenda left a message on my answering machine in her grating, shrilly
> > voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing her made me
> > want to smash the machine with my planner. However, I lacked the
> > strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching 11 straight
> > hours of the Weather Channel.
> >
> >
> > SUNDAY :
> >
> >
> > I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and
> > thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my
> > daughter Rachel (the little snot) will choose a gift for me that is much more fun
> > like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me
> > to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!
 
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