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Note, this is not my review, a friend sent it to me but I find it hysterical none the less.



I just saw a movie that'll give your eyes boners, make your balls scream and make you poop DVD copies of THE TRANSPORTER. It's called 300. I don't know what the title has to do with the movie, but they could've called it KITTENS MAKING CANDLES and it'd still rule.

It's about these 300 Greek dudes who stomp the sugar-coated **** out of like a million other dudes. I have a feeling that a lot of high school sports coaches are going to show this film to their teams before they play. Also, gay dudes and divorced women are going to use screen captures for computer wallpaper.

The movie takes place about a million years ago, and it's sort of like a prequel to SIN CITY. Except way less guns and cars but twice as much skull splitting. If you watch this movie and go into a Taco Bell, and say to the cashier, "I need some extra sauce packets" guess what? You're getting twenty sauce packets because your face will punch him in the brain.

I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE. Just ass kicking that kicks ass that, while said ass is getting kicked, is kicking yet more ass that's hitting someone's b*lls with a hammer made of ice but the ice is frozen whiskey.

TWO COOL THINGS ABOUT THE MOVIE AND ONE THING I DIDN'T LIKE:

COOL THING ONE:
HEAVY METAL DURING BATTLE SCENES

Who gives a **** if the music isn't historically correct? LORD OF THE RINGS could've used some Journey. This movie has that chu-CHUNG kind of metal that you hear in your head when your shift supervisor at Wetzel's Pretzel is telling you that you'll have to stay for clean up and you wish you had a sock filled with quarters in your hand.

COOL THING TWO:
FOES, MINI-BOSSES AND A BIG BOSS

Basically, the Greek dudes are fighting these Persian dudes, but the director, who must have a dick made of three machine guns, does it all like a video game. The Greeks fight every death metal video from the last ten years. There's wave after wave of giants, freaks, ninjas, mutants, wizards, and a hunchback who looks like he's got Rosie O'Donnell on his back.

Would I have been happy if Dom DeLuise from HISTORY OF THE WORLD, PART I had shown up? Maybe, but this movie more than makes up for that glaring oversight.

NOT SO GOOD THING:
DUDE NUDITY ("DUDE-ITY")

These are Greek times, when there were a lot of naked women around. And there are some naked women in this film, but almost every naked woman scene has a muscular dude giving the screen an ass picnic. Dude-ity is something directors put in their movies so people will think they're serious, I guess, and not just throwing in naked hotties.

Any directors reading this – IT'S OKAY TO JUST THROW IN NAKED HOTTIES.

Can't someone make a movie about naked Amazons and call it PAUSE BUTTON?

My final analysis is 300 the most ass-ruling movie I've seen this year, and will probably be the King of 2007 unless someone makes a movie where a pair of sentient boobs fights a werewolf.
 

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Is the guy like serious? I hope not because he doesnt seem to be the most intelligent person in the world.

For example:

"I don't know what the title has to do with the movie"
then
"It's about these 300 Greek dudes"

oh and:

"I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE."


Im a history freak. It was my favorite subject. Now granted the movie isn't completely on que with the real thing, but, it was pretty good.
And the plot was,well, the persian empire is invading, duh. lol


The movie was awesome, but most kids these days who watch it probobly don't even know the real story. Thats the only thing that bothers me.
 

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Nah, he's not being for real. He's just saying that the movie kicked ass. He has done several reviews in the past, all with the same type of grammar. He just makes the reviews fun to read.
 

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Fun to read is right. That guy is awesome. Tells it like a caveman. It is an awesome movie though. Have you seen it on a Big HDTV on HD-DVD? That mixed with 7 Yamaha speakers and 3 subs makes for a great experiance. My nieghbors hate me though.
 

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The movie was okay. It kind of reminded me of Conan the Barbarian (one of my favorites.) I liked the History Channel's take on it better.
 

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I aggree!!!!!

Mr.BULLITT said:
Is the guy like serious? I hope not because he doesnt seem to be the most intelligent person in the world.

For example:

"I don't know what the title has to do with the movie"
then
"It's about these 300 Greek dudes"

oh and:

"I can't spoil the plot because THANK GOD THERE ISN'T ONE."


Im a history freak. It was my favorite subject. Now granted the movie isn't completely on que with the real thing, but, it was pretty good.
And the plot was,well, the persian empire is invading, duh. lol


The movie was awesome, but most kids these days who watch it probobly don't even know the real story. Thats the only thing that bothers me.


It is also my favorite part of world History..... I really liked the movie! I just wish that some where before the movie started that it said this really happened and where to go so you could learn more about it and how these 300 Spartans probly saved western civilization......
 

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BigBullitt said:
The movie was okay. It kind of reminded me of Conan the Barbarian (one of my favorites.) I liked the History Channel's take on it better.
Same with me. History Channel is a very good documentary of the actual event.:eek:
 

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ItalianDHG#0754 said:
Fun to read is right. That guy is awesome. Tells it like a caveman. It is an awesome movie though. Have you seen it on a Big HDTV on HD-DVD? That mixed with 7 Yamaha speakers and 3 subs makes for a great experiance. My nieghbors hate me though.
I love the movie but damn I wanna cum watch it at your house with that set up ! ! ! !
Where are you, Italy or somewhere it's only 1 1/2 flight from here............................
 

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English Bob said:
I love the movie but damn I wanna cum watch it at your house with that set up ! ! ! !
Where are you, Italy or somewhere it's only 1 1/2 flight from here............................
Come on down! It is great hearing him yell "THIS IS SPARTA" at over 110Db. Lolz! My wife is always yelling and I mean yelling at me to turn it down. My people tell me they can hear it down the hall and outside. I live in the second floor and with brick/concrete walls.
 
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